Tiny Unfinished Growth (for now anyway)
- Jess Welsh
- Jan 1, 2020
- 6 min read
New year, New you! I’m wondering how much people really change in a year. I’ve made resolutions and failed them. I’ve started years with hopes of pregnancies and ended them with an empty womb. I’ve had financial goals that children interrupted, and health goals that postpartum bellies didn’t agree with. How much does one really change in a year?
10 years ago I was a 16 year old girl chasing whatever would throw an ounce of love and attention my way. I was a ship in the night, tossed from storm to storm and thankfully, I was thrown against the rock of ages. Since then, like Charles Spurgeon, I’ve learned to love each and every wave that brings me crashing into his arms. I wish I could say I was changed completely that year in 2010, and in some ways, I was. But more honestly that year I was much the same. Only now, a decade later, I can see that God worked slowly. Ever so subtly he made his affections my own. It's 10 years later and I can't even trace all the ways God worked in me to create the person I am right now, how different she is from Jess of 2010. Millions of moments, day after day, the Holy Spirit worked to slowly, gently, gracefully make my heart more like His. How much more will this be true ten years from now? Praise the Lord!
Tiny unfinished growth is my story. I have scripture journals that haven’t been touched yet. There are books of the Bible I’ve never read, lists left unfinished, discipline that’s been less than consistent, and my home, wardrobe, and body are still not the kind of worthy I had been hoping for. I lose my patience with the kids, still hate crafts, and say no more than I say yes.
This used to bother me. I’ve always felt like I just could never get ahead. There’s always more work, more chores, dust hiding somewhere, goals to be written down, ambition hidden under the surface. But this New Year the expression of my heart is not a grimace but gratitude—and the pace of my progress is restful and not rushed.
There is beauty in the messy house full of children who learn to make messes in the kitchen, as well as clean it. There is joy in the Saturday spent snuggling sick babies instead of hiking nearby mountains or organizing closet spaces. And there is just as much faithfulness in reading the Word in the midst of after school chaos or morning drop offs as there is in the early morning, cup of tea quiet time that comes with a box of highlighters and a few commentaries.
God doesn’t need my resolve to work in me. He doesn’t need my strength. He doesn’t need my ambition. He doesn’t need my gumption. Isn’t that what we focus on during our weeks of advent? A humble couple rode their beast of burden across mountains and valleys. A poor man faithfully listened to God’s messenger and married the Virgin with child. The shepherds, stinky outcasts, heralded God’s news of his savior born on earth. And Jesus, son of God, was born and laid in a manger. The King of all, left Heaven’s glory and entered the world greeted first by stable animals. God used what was weak in the world to shame the strong, and he will use what is weak in me too. Why then do I feel such guilt over my weakness? Why do I still try to list my way into his good graces, when his grace is always ready and laid before my very feet?
Saul was God’s chosen King and he had all kinds of ideas and ambitions and even felt like he had done them unto the Lord. But at one point God tells Saul to do something and Saul gets around it, doing something he believes to be “bigger and better”—sacrifice for the Lord! He had what he believed to be good intentions, and didn't totally disobey. Maybe God didn't realize how much sacrifice Saul would end up giving to the Lord through his latest conquest. Maybe God just wasn't quite as wise as Saul himself was. This simple foolishness is so often our story. I remind my kids that delayed obedience is disobedience, and that unfinished obedience is likewise. But isn't it my story too? I submit to my husband with gritted teeth. I drag my feet to the Word and when I feel it convict me, I say "Oh, but this isn't for me. This was a different time" or whatever excuse and defense suits me best. I am more like my children than unlike them, and the human heart, even after thousands of years...strays in all too similar ways. After Saul disobeys God's command, Samuel, the Lord's chosen prophet that was well loved and exalted says this beautiful thing to Saul, "Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams.”
Saul had no idea what God had planned through his failure. Samuel told him of the future King that would take his place, David. But the final King of Kings, he would never see. God works this way. He weaves people, and stories, failures, and successes across years, decades, and even centuries all together for one glorious purpose...and friends it is never about us. David's kingship wasn't an overcomer story about the little shepherd boy who would win big and become king. It isn't an American Idol, small town girl making her big break on the stage kind of story. It is so very much bigger than that, and so much darker. God lived with his created people and they disobeyed his voice. They loved their sin more than they delighted in his presence and this became the story for us all. God chose a people that his own son would be born from, and even as he delivered them, they sought after their own wisdom ignoring his calls. The King of Glory, born as a baby, lived an ordinary life and then was rejected by the people he came to save. The love of God was made known in a person, and we, yes we, killed him in hate. And yet still, darkness gives way to light. This King would not stay dead and he will not let his people stay dead either. His people would come to know him through his blood and they would live new lives of hope, with new hearts, new affections, and their very lives would serve as building blocks for his glory to be made known across all the earth. People from every corner of the earth, from every time in history will come together and will all sing praises to the great God who rescues sinners, and makes dead people alive. Friends there is very little that our resolutions could add to this mission, but our obedience, oh your obedience could contribute more than your gumption ever could.
There is nothing wrong with dreaming and planning. Resolve to love God better through Bible reading and quiet times. Be a good steward of your finances and take care of the body God has given you. Love other people well through kindness and generosity, and read good books! But remember that there is no sacrifice, endeavor, checklist, or goal that will satisfy your God more than your faithful obedience. When you feel like you’ve fallen short, remember the God who brought the Messiah to the manger and to the cross. There is no weakness in you he cannot use. There is no failure in you beyond his rescue. And there is no hardship that can drive you from his arms. He will finish his work in you he promises, and the baby in the manger is your proof.
Happy 2020! I pray that in 10 years I will look again at this decade we’re about to embark on and see all kinds of weaknesses and failures that God used for glorious purposes. God is a bigger dreamer than you or I and his plans are never thwarted.
“Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!”
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